The finish line

‘I’m not arriving at the finish line knowing I left anything behind.’

Is how I feel this week amidst all this cancer treatment.

I won’t be left wondering if;

I’d just remembered to do this….would I feel better than I am?

I won’t be wondering because I haven’t allowed myself to fall into the space of not doing things just because it’s hard, not doing them because I don’t feel well, not doing them because I can do them later.

I’ve felt exhausted and too sick, and still I’ve dragged myself to that sink and applied my mouth care one more time, despite the pain, despite the gagging.

I’ve applied the skin cream one more time, despite the pain.

I’ve done everything I can.

I won’t be left wondering if I could be feeling better than I am if I had rested more, visualised more, mantra’d more, meditated more because I’ve allowed all of these things their much needed space in the heart of healing.

Every time I’m on the radiation bed with my mask Thea Hope, I close my eyes and repeat;

I AM loved, IAM safe, I AM protected, I AM healed. All healthy cells are protected, all cancerous and diseased cells are removed.

I won’t be left wondering if I could be feeling better than I am if I had eaten a little more, eaten a little better, hydrated some more or exercised more because I’ve allowed the time and presence for all of these.

Despite the shards of glass in the throat, the horrible taste of food, the aversion to food, I keep trying.

Despite the weakness in the gym, I keep trying.

I won’t be left wondering if I could be feeling better if I had of taken more time for me.

I knew at the beginning it would require me to be all I could be for me.

And I’ve been doing what we so often forget to do.

I’ve turned up for myself as I promised I would.

I’ve made myself the most important part of my day.

All of which has allowed me to still show up in the world leading with love and kindness where I am able.

Because I know we are the investment that only returns what we put in, and when we put in an abundance we have an abundance to share.

And I know that I’m walking into a new version of me, one who is healthy and cancer free.

Chemo finished ✔️

Five radiation sessions to go.

The peak of radiation arrives and leaves over the next three weeks.

And…

‘I’m not arriving at the finish line knowing I left anything behind.’