A glimpse of a Spiritual Awakening

I say a glimpse because my experiences over the last seven years are many, so this is the briefest of glimpses and I am sure I will write about many more…

It was 2018, and as I got out of our spa housed in the garage, reality as I knew it dissolved.

But the story didn’t start there - it started with a troubled life, several years of increasing unhappiness and I believe, the two deep ponders I had while in the spa that day.

First came the complete internal realisation that I couldn't truly hate anyone.

I’d been thinking about someone who had really hurt my family, and I admit, I had longed to hate them, even imagined I did for many months.

But as I sat in the warm water that was helping ease the bone pain from my recently commenced treatment for chronic myeloid leukemia, I realised I wasn’t capable of hate.

I had truly explored my heart, searched in the darkest depths of it, played out many stories where I happily took revenge on this person, but I realised that day, I didn’t, and couldn't hate them.

I discovered hate wasn't something that felt true to my nature.

How could I hate them?

If I'd lived their life, walked in their shoes, carried their stories - wouldn't I possibly be the same, or perhaps even worse?

After all, I’d lived my life in heavy shoes and carried stories I couldn’t face revisiting.

For them to be who they were now, living a life completely devoid of love, was, in my mind, the greatest punishment one could endure.

Nothing I could possibly wish for them could be worse.

Then the next thing I thought about was how exhausted I was.

How exhausting life was, how tired I was from the constant thinking and overthinking.

I decided I couldn’t control an increasingly uncontrollable life, one that now included a lifelong form of cancer.

In that moment, I laughed and as I got out of the spa I said to myself "I give up then.”

And, as if answering a question, I repeated it, still laughing ‘Yes - I absolutely and utterly give up, I don't know the answer for anything anymore.’

And that’s when everything changed.

I was standing, naked, dripping wet, clutching a towel one moment, and the next, white light and pure love flowed through every cell in my being.

I was overcome with an unknown yet known loving, accepting, peaceful presence.

Merging for an unknown amount of time with a future version of myself, with God, with everything.

Information poured into me, too fast to process yet somehow also all perfectly clear.

Questions I had long forgotten asking were answered.

People talk about moments of clarity, but this was like switching from a barely flickering candle to the sun on the brightest, warmest day imaginable.

Walking out of the garage that day, I was no longer the same person who had walked in.

Sure, I knew her story; the childhood, the twenty-seven years of marriage, the children, a carefully constructed life - but it felt like reading someone else's biography.

It was like the woman who entered the garage stayed there, and someone new emerged.

The following months were both beautiful and chaotic. And full of so much I would need a book or books to share it all.

How do you explain to your family that their mother, wife, friend has been essentially replaced by a different version of herself?

That the person they knew had dissolved into something else entirely?

My now ex-husband dismissed it as philosophical musings, likening it to his questions about life when he was eighteen.

I remember asking him, "But when you asked questions, did you receive answers? Because I do?” He looked at me, then through me, as if he hadn’t or couldn’t hear me, and walked away.

There were, and have been many times I have questioned the depth of change in the person I was in a fleeting moment as everything in my life changed so completely.

While I was experiencing states of profound bliss, making plans to travel for fundraising causes and trying to simplify an overly complicated lifestyle, my family was considering having me committed.

They saw insanity; I saw clarity for the first time. The lifestyle we'd been conditioned into, the toxic relationships we accepted as normal – that felt like the real insanity.

The irony wasn't lost on me: in letting go of control, I'd found my true power.

In surrendering to what felt like madness, I'd discovered sanity.

But trying to explain that to anyone who hasn't experienced it is like trying to describe colors to someone who's only seen in black and white.

The hardest part to accept wasn't the end of my marriage or the confusion and anger of my adult children - it was accepting that I was conversing with God.

Everything else I could somehow integrate, but that?

That took another three years to fully accept and is a story of wonder and discovery initself.

There were, of course, many moments in the early days of my awakening when reality felt slippery and the ground beneath my feet seemed like quicksand.

During these times, I'd find myself drawn out into nature, grounding myself through hourse of meditation or pouring my experiences into journals.

Looking back, I wish I'd started journaling sooner.

Those first six months were a blur of kundalini experiences, new energetic sensations, and paranormal encounters, each of which may have been helpful to have documented in detail.

The most unexpected was the simple joy of being alive.

Coming from a dysfunctional childhood, I'm not sure I'd ever experienced that before, and I found every ounce of pain from my childhood had been dissolved.

Even now, during times of pain and loss, there is an underlying current of love with me everyday, a deep connection that never lets go.

Thankfully during this period, I had one friend who, while perhaps not fully understanding, witnessed enough to know that something profound and real was happening to me.

Four years later, I found a psychologist who had just completed a course on Spirituality in Psychology which was helpful. Mary has been equally fascinated by my experiences as well as being a great support.

For anyone going through their own awakening, I think it's important to know that what is being experienced is normal, even if it may not be common or widely spoken about.

It's a profound shift in consciousness that our modern world and relationships aren’t always equipped to handle.

Like a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis, the process can look like destruction from the outside while being transformation from within.

Remember:

• Spiritual awakening often comes when we least expect it, often following periods of deep depression (dark night of the soul) followed by complete surrender. It can arrive, as it did for me, with little to no previous experience of spiritual practice or religious belief.

• The process can be deeply isolating, but isolation doesn't mean you're on the wrong path or that anything is wrong with you.  The isolation can be providing the stillness and space you need to truly absorb your experiences and integrate your realisations from them before returning to your new normal life.

• What looks like madness to others may be your first glimpse of true sanity. We are very capable of living peacefully in this often confusing world and that you are able to be a calm presence in the middle of every storm is often an unseen gift.

If You're Experiencing an Awakening:

• Consider journaling.  Write about everything, even (especially) the things that seem impossible. It can be very helpful for processing it all as well as for reflection of your growth over time.

• Find grounding practices that work for you (meditation, nature walks, creative expression) and use them if you feel overwhelmed. I now like to say: Meditate until you remember life is the meditation, and when you forget, meditate some more.

• Seek support carefully – look for professionals or mentors who understand spiritual emergence, also make maintaining healthy boundaries with everyone a priority.

This journey is as unique as you are. You don't need to experience it exactly as anyone else has for it to be true for you. Trust your inner guidance while staying grounded in practical reality.

And perhaps most importantly, be gentle with yourself. You're going through one of the most profound transformations a human being can experience. The love that flows through you now? That's not just for others – it's for you too. Let it heal the parts of you that doubt, that fear, that wonder if you're losing your mind. You're not losing anything – you're finding what was always there. This is remembrance.

And to those reading this who haven't experienced an awakening but feel drawn to these words, I encourage you to stay curious, stay open. Sometimes the simple act of surrendering control becomes the key that unlocks everything. But remember - when that door opens, there's no going back. And, I believe that's exactly as it should be.

I, for one, would never return to who I was.

Who I have become, who I have learned I am and who I continue to grow closer to being, is such a beautiful journey to take, I can’t imagine never having found it.